


The Hardships of Courtships in the Bagginshield Ship

by alkjira



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Sex, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, Metafiction, Out of Character, Parody, Purple Prose, abuse of adverbs, some squick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:06:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3103262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I am very majestic," Thorin agreed gently, almost moved to tears as well by the plight of his beloved burglar. "That is true."</p>
<p>Bilbo sniffed again and wiped at his eyes, convinced that Thorin would never love him.</p>
<p>"But I love you," Thorin continued and proceeded to stick his tongue down Bilbo's throat, because making out with someone who was crying seemed like a reasonable idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hardships of Courtships in the Bagginshield Ship

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Moths are drawn to flames](https://archiveofourown.org/works/622384) by [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira). 



> I wrote my first fanfic because I was annoyed over how Bilbo and Thorin were portrayed in some of the stories I read. 
> 
> That was two years ago today.
> 
> I thought I'd celebrate that by posting another story based on my annoyance over how Bilbo and Thorin are portrayed, because the more things change the more they stay the same, eh? ;)
> 
> I won't say that this isn't to be taken seriously, but I will say that this is of course my personal opinion, and I don't mean to throw stones, not, erm, hard ones at least.

Thorin gazed adoringly into Bilbo's eyes. Which were hazel, or blue or brown. Possibly green. But it did not matter because they were the most beautiful eyes Thorin had ever seen. More beautiful than the stars in the sky or the gems in the ground.

 

The mighty Dwarven King’s own eyes were any nuance of blue the author deemed particularly pretty at the moment. Azure, we’ll say for now.

 

"I want your thick, fat love staff up my arse," Bilbo moaned, entirely out of character, and this made Thorin’s blood run hot and heady in his veins. (And also arteries.)

 

"I'm sure you do, you little slut," Thorin replied lovingly to the middle aged Hobbit whom canonically no one had ever seen entertain a lover. And even _if_ Bilbo had slept with half the Shire Thorin would be unaware of this fact. (Unless he had stopped to listen to gossip as he got lost. Twice.)

 

" _Slut_ ," Thorin said again, to drive home the point that consensual sex between two adults is only okay if you don't do it with more than [arbitrary number] people, but he said it gently as he did love Bilbo very much, and wanted to fuck him as well. 

 

"I don't deserve your magnificent cock though." Bilbo sniffed and looked away, tears filling his [just _pick_ a bloody colour] eyes. "I am just a lowly common Hobbit. The fact that my grandfather was the closest the Shire has to a king and that I'm reasonably well off pales when faced with your absolute majesty."

 

"I am very majestic," Thorin agreed gently, almost moved to tears as well by the plight of his beloved burglar. "That is true."

 

Bilbo sniffed again and wiped at his eyes, convinced that Thorin would never love him.

 

"But I love you," Thorin continued and proceeded to stick his tongue down Bilbo's throat, because making out with someone who was crying seemed like a reasonable idea. 

 

"Thorin!" Bilbo moaned even as he sucked on Thorin’s tongue.

 

"Bilbo!" Thorin replied, groaning into the heated kiss.

 

"Thorin!"

 

"Bilbo!"

 

Over at the camp where the rest of the Dwarfs were gathered, most of them with ear plugs firmly inserted in their ears, Kíli turned to Fíli. 

 

"Why are they repeating each other's name so much?"

 

Fili shrugged. "They're afraid they'll forget it?"

 

"It's because the author can’t bloody well write dialogue," Dwalin snarled as he tried to press more moss into his ears. "I don't need to listen to this crap," he muttered. 

 

Over to Thorin and Bilbo again, because Thorin has suddenly remembered that he is a virgin. Sure, he’s lived almost two hundred years, but he’s been _very_ busy.

 

Blushing, red splotches clearly visible on his cheeks, Thorin breaks the kiss and movies to bend over the nearest fallen tree trunk.

  
He bends over because he's Thorin Oakenshield and will do his _duty_.

 

"If you're a virgin then I need to be the one to fuck you," Bilbo pointed out, rather needlessly as Thorin was already bending over. And what a majestic sight it was.

 

"Because it's not like we can start by sucking each other off or giving each other hand jobs and then work our way up to something more complicated, like you fucking me so you'll see how much I enjoy it and thereby trusting that it will likely be enjoyable for you too." Bilbo took a deep breath as that sentence had been very long.

  
"Nope. My cock up your arse. That's the only way you'll stop being a virgin and we need to work quickly because it might be contagious.” Bilbo began to undo his trousers.

 

"But," Thorin said, shyly looking over his shoulder because virgins are very shy. They’re like woodland creatures and will sprint away from you if you make any sudden movements. "Won't all the people who identifies with you be upset that I’m the one getting fucked instead of me fucking you?”

 

  
Rallying a bit Thorin moved to sit on the tree trunk instead.  


  
“It is me and my majesty most are thinking about when they diddle themselves at night after all. Are you sure I shouldn’t fuck you until you squeal and thereby making it possible for them to live vicariously through you?" Thorin scuffed his boot against the ground. "As the normal person suddenly dragged into an unexpected adventure you  _are_  the one the viewers are supposed to identify with after all."

 

"Viewers?" Bilbo asked. 

 

"Readers, then," Thorin corrected, waving his hand dismissively. “But my point still stands. Isn’t that why there are so many stories with you as a female but not anywhere near as many with me as the owner of two truly magnificent knockers?”

 

Bilbo hummed thoughtfully. “I thought that was because there _has_ to be a female character and a male character even in a same sex relationship.”

 

Thorin looked blank.

 

“I mean, I'm the 'girl'.” Bilbo made air quotes. “Because I am smaller and less hairy and have attributes that can be described using soft, curvy and delicate. And sometimes that leads to me having actual breasts.”

 

“If you are the girl then you're getting dicked,” Thorin says firmly.

 

Bilbo sighs. “I do think you're part of the problem dear, even without going into a discussion about gender and-“

 

  
Thorin looked blank once more.

  
  
“Oh, all right,” Bilbo sighs and suddenly his clothes are mysteriously missing as he nakedly kneels down on a conveniently placed bedroll. “But only because I of course love to get fucked as I’ve got a very nice arse.”

 

[The author doesn't notice that the story is now in present tense after wavering back and forth a bit because why bother with something like that.]

 

Getting rid of his own clothes and armour, something that is done in mere seconds even though it’s physically impossible, Thorin soon kneels down next to Bilbo and reverently runs his hand over that gorgeous backside.

 

“Neither of us has washed properly in weeks and toilet paper is not yet invented but please allow me to insert my fingers into your anus regardless,” Thorin murmurs huskily. “Later I will tenderly stroke your face with the same fingers and you will not mind.”

 

“Please, Bilbo whimpers, enticingly waving his arse back and forth in front of Thorin’s face. Then he blinks. “Hang on, your hair is a lot longer than mine and you wear jewellery. Maybe you should be the girl aft-“

  
  
"Erm, look over there!" Thorin says and presses a thick finger into Bilbo's greedy hole. 

 

"Your anus is tight," Thorin says as he works his thick Dwarven finger (as opposed to his slim Elven toe) in and out of the very tight little hobbit hole eagerly twitching around his digit.

 

"Where did you get the lube from?" Bilbo moans as Thorin’s finger is so slick and slippery inside of him.

 

Realising that it's an anachronistic error the bottle of lube disappears in a puff of smoke. Thorin stares a bit forlornly at the spot where it just stood.

 

"I'll just use spit then shall I?" He looks a little hopefully down at Bilbo. “Unless you Hobbits are self-lubricating?”

 

  
“If I was a girl perhaps,” Bilbo mutters. “But not in my arse no.”  


 

“Spit it is then,” Thorin nods.  


  
“Aaaah! Hell, I'm so revved up!” Bilbo groans as a second finger nudges its way into him.

 

“I don't know what that means,” Thorin says as he starts thrusting his fingers in and out and in and out and in and out. “Because Christian terminology does not exist in this universe, nor does anything that can be ‘revved’ up. But it sounded like you were cursing and that is hot. Talk out of character to me, baby.”  


  
Thorin pauses as Bilbo turns to glare at him. “Wait," the Dwarf says. "Why do you suddenly look like you're an adolescent?

 

“It's the fanart,” Bilbo sighs. “They keep forgetting to give me any sort of details not focused on my eye colour, so I look entirely too young.” Squirming a little Bilbo manages to catch sight of his feet. “Hey, at least they've remembered to add the hair on my feet this time. And-“ Bilbo frees a hand to touch his stomach. “I’m not thin enough to starve to death any time soon. Brilliant.”

  
  
Looking at Thorin once more Bilbo pursed his lips. “Are you going to fuck me soon? It’s rather uncomfortable to kneel over an extended period on what’s basically the ground. This bedroll isn’t that soft you know.”

 

“Soon, soon,” Thorin promised. “I just need to prepare you by going one finger, two finger, three finger, cock! And I've not done that yet,” the mighty King concludes wiggling the two fingers he has inside of Bilbo.

  
  
“Can we talk a little about my cock then?” Bilbo asks. “I do have one, and I feel that even when I don’t have breasts it’s a bit short-changed.”  


  
“You have a lovely cock,” Thorin says tenderly, avoiding the obvious pun. “And if I was the girl in this relationship I’m sure it would give me much pleasure.”

 

“But how come you’re the one who gets the strap-on when we’re _both_ female,” Bilbo complains.

 

  
“Because,” Thorin says smugly and presses the tip of his ring finger against Bilbo’s reddened love-ring. “I will still have a beard.”

-  
  
A short while later heated groans can be heard far and wide.

 

“Bilbo!”

 

“Thorin!”

 

“Bilbo!”  
  
  
“Fuck me harder you beast of a Dwarf!”

 

“ _Aaaargh_!” Dwalin groans in the background as he shoves an entire bush into his left ear. 

  
-  
  
After rocking his (very large) cock in and out of Bilbo’s (very tight) arse a good long while, as you do when you have gay sex, Thorin and Bilbo orgasm almost simultaneously.

 

Bilbo gasps as Thorin finally remembers that he too is in possession of a cock and wraps his hand around it, and his arse screws itself up so tightly it’s anatomically impossible and likely very uncomfortable for Thorin.

 

  
But Thorin loves it, and as Bilbo drenches them both in semen (which of course spurts high up on both of their chests) he groans, moans and grunts and empties his aching nuts inside his burglar. Who has now stolen both his heart _and_ his semen.

 

  
When Bilbo, crying a little from the overwhelming pleasure, demands to be cuddled, Thorin grudgingly complies as he’s not in any way a girl, and everyone knows typically female attributes should be avoided at all costs, but deep inside he’s squealing excitedly over finally having his Hobbit in his arms after so many, many, many nights wanking quietly in conveniently placed bushes.

 

Thorin tenderly strokes the side of Bilbo’s face and Bilbo doesn’t mind.

 

“I'm afraid you likely won't be sitting comfortably on a pony tomorrow,” Thorin says smugly, proud of having potentially caused micro tears in Bilbo's rectum and anus.

  
“That's what you think!” Bilbo exclaims before his eyes flashes white and he heals his own arse by chanting softly beneath his breath. “I'm half Elven you see,” he says and points at his ears.”

 

  
“But all Hobbits have pointy ears,” Thorin stammers, feeling as if he might cry at the very mention of Elves.

 

“Yes,” Bilbo agrees. “But my mother knew lots of Elves you see. Obviously she slept with them. And obviously a child was the result of it.”

 

“Um,” Thorin says. “I’m not sure this is strictly canon.”

 

“Oh fine,” Bilbo says and un-heals his arse. “I'll just go and find some herbs to fix it. Because as I can grow prize winning tomatoes I'm obviously an expert herbalist!”

 

Then Bilbo’s mood turns glum. “It would be convenient to be a girl though,” he sighs. “Then I'd be so much more attractive. And talented. Because perish the thought that a female main character isn't attractive and gifted.” He pauses. “Unless she's entirely average of course. Or both.”

 

“Both?” Thorin asks.

 

“I'm not sure he it works either,” Bilbo shrugs. “But I think it’s to do with the living vicariously bit. I don’t mind, but it just gets a little confusing sometimes.”

 

Bilbo rose to his feet and winced a little, both from the pain in his arsehole and from the way the story is now written in paste tense again.

 

“Well thank you for-" his slim delicate hands flapped, looking a little lost. " _That_."

 

"My pleasure," Thorin murmured. "I wouldn't mind doing it again."

 

"Eventually," Bilbo promised. "We just need to have a big misunderstanding so we're at odds for a few chapters. Then we can shag again. Unless you've been really mean to me and its timed so we reach the mountain before we reconcile. Then I might need to fall in love with Smaug."

 

" _Smaug_!" growled Thorin. "You cannot-"

 

"Oh but I can," Bilbo nodded. "What does it matter that he's a paranoid, greedy mass murderer, the size of a small mountain, not to mention a dragon.” Bilbo stared dreamily into the distance. “None of that matters when he's voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch." He sniffed. "He did the motion capture you know. Besides, you shouldn't throw stones, I've seen pairings with you and Azog."

 

Bilbo looked despondently down at his round stomach, ignoring the deathly pale dwarf looking like he was about throw up. "I knew you thought I was too chubby."

 

  
“We do end up together though?” Thorin asked pleadingly. “You and me, no Dragons or Orcs?”

 

“Of course we do,” Bilbo said comfortingly and patted his arm. “Except in canon where you die.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> (warning, long author's note, which will be posted on everything I post today, so if you see it again it's because I've posted more than one thing, lol)
> 
> My first fanfic started out as a prompt, from me to someone else to write.
> 
> Then it got really long. 
> 
> So I posted it as a story here on AO3 instead of at the kink meme as I had first intended. 
> 
> I didn't really think it was a story, much less a good one, but hey, I had written it so why not inflict it on other people. 
> 
> Then diemarysues popped up in the comment section and helped me make it better, and I'm very happy about that not only because the story got better but also as we've pretty much been stuck at the hip ever since, as much as two people living on separate continents can be at least. 
> 
> And now it is suddenly two years later and I've written over a _million_ words in the hobbit fandom, which is insane. 
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone, and special thanks to commenters, because nothing beats that sort of feedback :)  
> lol though author subscriptions has a special place in my heart as I feel like I'm collecting minions or something.  
> Hi minions! There's 231 of you now and I love you. 
> 
> And thank you to everyone I've gotten to know, and a huuuuuge thank you to diemarysues, without you I probably wouldn't be in the fandom. ily honey


End file.
